Surviving “Young and Stupid”
The gurgle of the coffee maker resonated from the kitchen as I hurried down the stairs. Evidence of the chaos of graduation and the open house was scattered throughout the house. The long list of things I needed to do was daunting, making my lack of energy all the more annoying. Bring boxes to the attic…put away open house stuff…clean and organize the extra bedroom. Instead of doing any of that, I sat down and stared at the blank computer screen. Exhaustion settled in on every inch of my body and mind. It was morning and my tank was already empty.
Having a senior in high school was exhausting. This past year was challenging and stressful on a new level. Seventeen- and eighteen-year-olds are completely different than younger teenagers. These semi-legal young adults, who were becoming independent and were once energetic, can suddenly become lazy and entitled.
And while kids’ brains aren’t fully formed until their mid-twenties, many of them are driving, voting, dating, and making major decisions. For those of us who have the full capacity of our brains, we know this is a recipe for disaster.
Last night I watched the movie, Jungle, starring Daniel Radcliffe. This true story is an intense tale of a young man fighting to survive in the brutal jungles of South America. However thrilling and action packed it may have been, all I could think about were the choices that were made that led this guy into such a mess. It was about Yossi, a twenty-something young man from Germany who wanted to go on a year-long walkabout to South America, something that his parents weren’t thrilled about. He was in the “young and stupid” phase, and after being approached by someone who wanted to take them off the beaten path into the jungles of Bolivia, it nearly cost him his life.
At every stage of parenting I have appreciated my parents more and more. I often wonder how my parents survived the stage when I was young and stupid. Thinking back to my late teens to early twenties, its amazing how I came out of those years relatively unscathed. Now, as a parent, I am just entering that stage with my kids.
My daughter recently had an appointment to get vaccinations that are a requirement for her to attend college in the fall. As the third stick went in, she mumbled, “I think I’m going to pass…” Then, lights out, she started to fall. Since this had happened before, I was ready to catch her. The familiar scene from a year ago when she had knee surgery played out in front of me like a bad dream. Her body was reacting to the pain, or the vaccine, and she convulsed and thrashed in her unconscious state. Minutes later, she regained consciousness. It took a while to get her back to where she could sit and then stand to get her in the car and get her home. Later that day as she slept on the couch, the thought occurred to me, both my daughters have passed out three times! What if I’m not there to remind my college kid to eat before getting a vaccination? What if I’m not there to catch her?
How does a parent of a seventeen- or eighteen-year-old survive what I call, The Danger Zone? It is the time in life when kids are old enough to make many of their own choices, and maybe live on their own, yet they aren’t playing with a full deck.
I recently met a friend of mine for coffee. After she let me vent a little about the challenges of parenting a soon-to-be college student, she asked about my oldest. “Does she want to go to college?” Weird question, I thought. I didn’t know the answer. But in that moment I realized it didn’t matter. She had to go. I knew I couldn’t live with her anymore. Parenting a child on the tightrope between adult and child is overwhelming.
My goal with my high school graduate is to get her into college. Yes, she has already been accepted. Yes, she knows where she is going. However, it is the one thousand little things that have to be done in order for her to actually be recognized as a student in the fall that stand in the way. Immunizations, orientation, financial aid and scholarships, housing and roommate stuff, and on and on the list goes. I’m finding myself stepping in with these important tasks. Not because she isn’t old enough to do these things herself, but because I need her to leave the nest. For my sanity. I know I shouldn’t be doing them for her, but I do them anyway.
I pray constantly for God’s protection over her life. I pray for the things that we have failed to teach her that she has to learn on her own. I pray that God would protect her until she graduates from the “young and stupid” phase.
I have been where you are and I don’t want to go back there again.
Both mine survived college and graduated in just 4 years. They stayed out of trouble, though their grades could have been a little better.
I’m not sure they are completely through the young and stupid stage, but they make it easy not to help them because they know everything and think we are stupid so they don’t ask questions. When they ask after the fact why we didn’t tell them, we can honestly ask them why they didn’t ask us for advice.
This too shall pass and with each child that graduates and goes off to college it gets a little easier because you will be older and wiser.
You got this. Just follow your instincts and let them know you will always be there to love them and guide them, that they need only ask. Keep the lines of communication open and they will do you proud.
Empty nesting is great! We are spending our weekends reclaiming our home one room at a time. I am sharing details along with before and after pictures on the blog. We turned our youngest child’s old room into a peaceful reading room.